Friday, April 11, 2014

birthday post

it's almost a week since my birthday yet i'm still thrilled. i believe all of my birthday gifts are almost complete (i'm still waiting from you mom and sis! haha). an i'm soooo happy for all of them. i got only from my two closest friends and my boyfriend (and from my self of course) but it feels like the whole people i know gave me something.
like i said, i spent my birthday in dresden without my boyfriend but he was kind enough to get me present which is a rucksack from well i won't tell the brand. and the first person, who gave me present was this girl from berlin with arabic roots! she gave me a set of -brand wont be written- skin care and in dresden she treated me with ice cream and candle!
from my other closest friend who cooked korean food and invited my friends the night before he let me order from topshop, i feel like i don't want to tell what. but don't worry it's not a massive thing.
in dresden we ate in a canadian restaurant and my friend wouldn't let me pay for that. i told my mom what to do and she told me i should treat him next time. so i used my left money to buy more things -_-
i bought couple tops and sample candles. the body shop there sells yankee candle!!!
we went to of course, our favorite: zara! and i ended up got something from hollister (yeah laugh at me now), and mango, oh and face powder from drugstore.
the thing continued 'till the next day that all stores were opened in halle. so we ate ice cream and went grocery shopping. i went to drugstore once more and got my self bb cream cause mine is almost empty.
but yeah i'm 21 now and i feel like i'm old enough. i haven't achieved many things in life yet i lost so many things. after my grandmother passed away i promised my self to enjoy life like she did. she learned, prayed, worked, went shopping, all in the right portion. cause there was my birthday my two friends treated me over-nicely and let me choose where should we go or what should we eat and tell me every hour that it was my birthday that i should enjoy it.
so my birthday was very special despite the fact that i didn't spend it with family or boyfriend. since i won't fly back home this year i probably can go to indonesia next spring. which means i could celebrate my birthday there. or if not, i'll get visit from my boyfriend next time!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

achtung achtung

so a quick update before i go to sleep on the first day as a 21 year old. i'am turning 21! i can't believe how old i'am and i'm still studying haha. i had a pretty great day today. with people i wouldn't have imagined to celebrate with. i'll keep updating tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

birthday wishlist no.1: Footwear

80% of what I wish someone would give me on my birthday are shoes. the others are outerwear and books. haha a girl can dream, can't she? these are my wishlists for long time or just this year

1. Dr. Martens 1460 in matt black
I've been wanting it probably since I was 15. It's been freakin 6 years and I never had a change to get them for myself. for some reason. I owned the shiny leather one which I got from a flea market but they're too big for me. I feel like this shoes is perfect for my short legs and I could wear them throughout the year. even in summer or in Indonesia. they're very versatile and I bet they last very long! I need them in size uk 5 by the way :P

2. White Birkenstock Arizona
I used to hate Birkenstock cause they look unflattering at all. they're like the sandals my father would wear. and yes my father wear them. When I was in high school, I saw a tourist wearing like hiking sandals (I don't even know what they called) and I was in love with that, cause she wore them with ruffle skirt and tank top. years after, that hiking sandals are in trend, in more fashionable way, in white color with chunky sole. I don't know if you can imagine what I'm trying to say. But last summer I saw them on zara sale but they didn't have it on my size anymore. now I feel like I need something like that but in more proper way. I wear this kind of sandal at home (obviously not the birken one). I feel like they're perfect for summer with dresses (yes! dresses!) I probably need them in size eu 38 or eu 39

3. Leather chelsea boots
I was debating last year whether to get it or not, whether in brown or in black. I first wanted to get from asos but I was about to move to Halle and I didn't have proper address to ship to. and my boyfriend would kill me if my package arrived at his home. so I was like "beh, I don't really need them" Later I saw a girl wearing that exactly from asos (cause they had slightly different model than the classic one) and it wasn't that flattering but then I saw all girls, literally all girls! in halle wearing the classic black one and I really need them immediately, it's been months and each time I found a good pair they're sold out already. I kinda set my budget low at first then I set higher and higher but still, they're sold out in urban outfitters, zara, or asos.  and I wouldn't spend my money for more than 150euro for dr martens chelsea which soles aren't flattering for that kind of shoes. the craziest thing was I was about to visit sport stores for horse riding to buy the ones that really used for horse riding.

4. Aggy bow sandals
I want this aggy x dr martens spring/summer 2013 bow sandals in this color. since I returned from my trip to Singapore 'till now I still think about it. I searched on the website last year and they didn't have it on my size anymore or even a size bigger. (that was about 40% off though:( ) I have no idea where to find it anymore. even though someone sell it on ebay it would be overprice.

3. Asos strappy sandal
It hasn't to be from asos but this version is the most reasonable version I ever found. this kind alexander wang inspired and zara knock off whatever brand as started this trend, I kinda need them in low heels. all that I found was like 12 cm heels or so. I probably prefer the nude color ones if they have it. I always hate a trend when they first came in, but then when the trend is going or almost over, I'd love it. just like this thin strap thing. I'm not a huge fan of thin heels as weell, it looks hurt. but when I see a girl wears them, it looks so nice no matter how short tall skinny fat she is. It may not suit everyone's body shape but for me it still looks nice for everyone.

They're basically two more boots I wanted: black ankle boots with chunky heels and black pistol boots, but I kinda lost the pics, they're from UO. I have a problem with black lately, I feel like I have only black stuffs in my wardrobe. If my grandmother loved to buy bags and perfumes an each time we were at mall or something she would stop at one store and my grandfather was like "stop, your grandma is looking for something" All I could think is shoes! It's just so nice to remember what kind of woman she was. I never said to her that I adore her, but I do, I talked about her all the time at my first year of college. And now that she's gone, I'm pretty relief that she's now in an even better place but sometimes I'm too selfish for wanting her wait for me a little bit. I love her, I love how she collected stuffs and I feel so inspired. well sometimes I took it wrong way but hey I'm learning :)

Sunday, February 16, 2014


i'm sitting and trying to figure out what's going on. as soon as a friend of mine went home i asked him if he's still awake, at the same time, my cousin sent me the worst message i've ever received in my entire life. couple minute after another friend of mine wrote me that she missed me. it took an hour 'till my mother wrote me. and it's happening right now.
i tried to call but now i couldn't speak at all. the first 5 minutes after my cousin wrote me i couldn't breath i didn't even cry. until i called my sister. we cried only.
my grandmother from my mother side passed away. the grandmother that i've been always talking about. the grandma that so far i remember, raised me for the first 4 years of my life. I couldn't even imagine that she has been sick these past days.
she is my role model. even if i never write and tell everyone about it, she and my grandpa are the reason why i flew back to indonesia in every summer when i can actually travel or do summer job.
this thing is the thing i've been afraid of for the longest time ever. yet, i still can't believe it did happen.
remember what she taught me and what she's made me become, i just can't believe how time passed.

08:33 am
I slept last night, I was so tired feeling like I've been run a kilometer away. I couldn't contact anybody for an hour. I prayed and I was about to go to a friend's home cause I was so broken. but my boyfriend told me to stay at home.  so i skyped with him. he asked me "she's your favorite, right?" "yes" "so she's in a better place right now, isn't she?" "i know"
I remember how i told my bestfriend who's just experienced his first time far away from home how is it to be far away. how everything is going to change when we get back. I thought, I'm going to see my grandmother become like old ladies I see on the street in germany. so old and helpless. that they need someone to help them to get in the tram. so fragile. I was afraid of that thing. but God had a way better plan than letting me seeing that. He took her to the most beautiful place He has ever given to a human. I said my self couple days ago that if my Grandmother passed away, I wouldn't cry. because she has done the most perfect things I've even seen. she was flawless. and even though she was still working teaching in uni she still travelled once in a while. I never thought it was going to really happen. the scariest thing I ever imagine.
I thought mom would be the saddest person ever but I think, Grandpa is hurt the most. If I could and had the money I would flight right away. but even If I did, it was too late. so I'm just praying from far away for her. to my role model. that even my aunt and mom couldn't do as much as she could do.
I've lost a piece of my life and I feel like about to faint. I'am the most selfish person ever wanting everyone to be beside me and do something for me. But, I promise myself to get up and be even stronger for her. To do what I've been being afraid of. Because after all, the scariest thing you've been thinking the whole life has happened. what could scare you even more?

talking about my grandma, I regret most of my life not spending time with her. I regret most of the time why did I go abroad instead of studying near her. How much I love here and tell everyone about her but I never tell her how much I love her and I'm sorry for every rude things I've ever done. How I want to be like here when I grow up. My sister just told me how she often sent me and my cousin blackberry messenger but it never delivered. she missed us a lot. and the last time I met her I was crying due to anger and I didn't even see her face. it was something i knew i would regret. and i regret it for the rest of my life. I wanted to contact her and tell here how my friend miss my "rendang" that she actually made. I wanted to ask her to send some more to germany. My boyfriend always asks me everytime I cook for him "are you going to cook 'rendang' today? and I wish she could meet him one day.
I owe her my graduation, I owe her my wedding, I owe her gifts and another snowball each time I visit different places.

Because she was the person who made me so passionate in fashion. And she was the one who has taken care of me and my sister when my parents weren't even capable of doing that. she was the one who saved my life when I got an illness back in 2008. If I weren't at her home for holiday, I would be already passed away. she saved my sister's life for several times.

I want to let her go, because it's a selfish thing for wanting her to be still here. But why is it so difficult? why is it so difficult even to stand up and I haven't even yet talked properly to my mom cause I'm so scared. I'am so broken and this is the lowest point in my life. It's nothing compare to the problems I've been having. that my boyfriend is going to move where I'am about to do my internship there, and now i have no idea how to find another internship here, I already asked about 8 different places. How I didn't pass couple exams. I can see how stupid I'am for being scared and sad for that thing. I have to face those for my grandma, for me.

She is the one who always spoiled me with everything, yet she is the strongest woman I've ever known. She never stopped working by teaching. even 'till the end. she sewed, she baked, she cooked, she knitted. she prayed and learnt religion yet she knew how to balance it with life. everything that even my aunt and mom can't do.

I'm smiling right now cause I know that she's smiling too. she has the most adorable family ever. the strongest one. I know she loves to see u gathering and laughing at her home. so it's what the family is doing right now. watching football match. I haven't had any chance to talk with my grandpa but it's already late night in Indonesia. so life goes on tomorrow.

this time I feel better and ready. I let her go. I'm sorry grandma, for the things I have or haven't done to you. and thank you for being my grandma. thank you so much. my heart still hurts cause I miss you a lot. But don't worry, you did spoil me for 20 years but I'm going to be strong. I love you grandma. thank you for this amazing 20 years. I love you so much <3 p="">